You've probably noticed I've kept things pretty light in my blog lately. It's all a big facade for what's been actually going on in my life. I've been super depressed about life and my place in it. There have been many days when only the obligation and desire to take care of my three girls have kept me going on to the next day. I struggle to get out of bed every day.
On a positive note, I've been trying to cheer myself up by listening to fun audio books and music and by going to the movies, which sometimes backfired. Like when I went to see Adventureland, I expected this cute romantic comedy and got something entirely different...or maybe it just seemed like it in my head. I was really depressed after that.
I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting to this life alone. I don't have any family here; I have very few friends here; and, my job doesn't feel very meaningful. And, I feel so ugly and unwanted and unnecessary.
I want more.
I want a big group of friends and a job that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I want to be skinny again and I want a companion to spend my nights with. And, more than anything, I want this feeling of uselessness and loneliness to go away.
I want more, but I don't know how to get it.
I don't know how to meet people; I'm incredibly shy. I can go for days without speaking to another soul. I hate that. It's so lonely. And, I can't quit my job and start something new in this economy and not with my debt (a topic for another blog).
I've thought about joining a gym, but I'm worried I won't have the time and I'll feel guilty leaving the dogs at home. I've thought about jogging with one of the dogs. I've thought about a lot of things, but I never seem to work up the courage to do any of it. I just want to go back to bed.
But, I think I found courage this morning from a TED video.
And, I've decided to strategically let go of this idea of having this mythical perfect life with lots of friends and a job I'm passionate about. I've decided to focus on the task at hand, which is taking care of my health and my finances - getting my proverbial house in order.
In the video, Matthew Childs talks about having a plan and focusing on the task at hand. He also says that FEAR SUCKS because you're focusing on FAILING at what you're doing instead of focusing on what you're doing. I've been doing nothing but focusing on failing - focusing on being alone and focusing on having this other mythical life.
He also talks about knowing how to let go when things aren't working out. I think there are some things I haven't let go of - this mythical perfect life I have in my head - the one we all have in our head of what we think life should be. I need to let go of that because it's doing me no good. It's not focusing on the task at hand; it's focusing on what I don't have, focusing on my made up version of failure.
So, here I am planning to live in the now and focus on my health and finances. I'm going to exercise today and I'm going to get off my ass and take a shower and and I'm going to buy some fruit and vegetables and I'm going to hang in there. And, I'm going to focus on my big plan, which is to be healthy and wealthy enough to "retire" at 50 and start my own business in a little beach community, which isn't a mythical goal, but something I can really do if I just hand in there and focus.
Here's the video for your viewing pleasure:
